


Let Me Show You

by Ollie_Octopus



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Anxiety Disorder, Anxious!Castiel, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel Has Mental Health Issues (Supernatural), Castiel Has Panic Attacks (Supernatural), Castiel Has Self-Worth Issues (Supernatural), Comfortably Bisexual Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester is Protective of Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, Domestic Castiel (Supernatural), Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Domestic Dean Winchester, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Panic Attacks, Protective Dean Winchester, soft!Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:22:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23483779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ollie_Octopus/pseuds/Ollie_Octopus
Summary: Castiel is at the bunker, waiting for Sam and Dean to return from a hunt. Castiel still isn't used to human life, and he turns out to be a terrible cook. Dean then takes Castiel to the kitchen to teach him how to make the meal he attempted. Just a sweet domestic fluffy fic.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 13
Kudos: 49





	1. Let Me Show You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Milliadoc_Brandybuck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milliadoc_Brandybuck/gifts).



> Hello! This is my first SPN fanfic and I'm really proud of it! All going well, I'll hopefully turn it into a series. I'm open to ideas and constructive criticism! I hope you enjoy it(:

It was the end of another long day, and Castiel was still waiting for the Winchesters to return from a Wendigo hunt. Knowing that Dean would be hungry after such a difficult hunt, Castiel was in the bunker’s kitchen, attempting to cook. Why were humans so fragile? He never had to eat, and yet Dean was constantly eating. He’d never understand it. He’d managed to tackle a salad - they had some leftover vegetables in the fridge that he sliced and out into a bowl. Next up was the main part, a good beef burger. He knew the boys loved to eat them (he was sure Dean was addicted) so what could go wrong?

He stared at the mincemeat, perplexed by its rectangular shape. Did he buy the wrong type? Burgers were always round and Dean had told him it was made out of mincemeat, he supposed he had gotten the wrong pack. He took the meat out of the packaging, and cut it in half - one each for the boys. Next, he put each slice into a frying pan. _“So far so good Castiel”_ he told himself. His next struggle was working out the dials. How did he make the flames appear? After numerous attempts, Castiel put the meat on a plate and placed it in the microwave. He had seen Sam use the microwave before, so he knew how to use it. He turned the heat to high and set the timer for three minutes, thinking that would be enough. If it was enough for Sam, it was enough for him, right? He smiled happily to himself. He couldn’t wait for Sam and Dean to get back, they were going to love this.

He set about preparing the buns and placing cheese and lettuce leaves on each, with a more than generous helping of mayonnaise (he was sure that was right). The microwave pinged loudly, taking Castiel by surprise. Why did the microwave have to scare him like that? It couldn’t be normal for an object to make such a noise. He took out the blocks of meat and inspected them. They seemed to be brown on the outside, so Castiel placed them in the buns, and set them on plates. He had laid the table prior to cooking, so everything was ready, only Sam and Dean were missing.  
A few minutes later they came in, laughing and talking about the hunt.  
“We nailed that sucker, good job with the flamethrower Sammy, you practically liquified its face. That was awesome!”  
“I’m just glad it’s finally over now. Hey, what’s that smell?”  
“Smells like food, and I’m starving.” Castiel chuckled at this, he found Dean’s love for food endearing.  
“Hello Dean, Sam. I’ve made you dinner tonight, I have prepared burgers and a salad.” He grinned goofily, his stomach filling with nervous butterflies. He was really proud of his efforts, he just hoped that the boys would be too. They walked to the kitchen and took their seats, with Sam at the head of the table, and Dean and Castiel sat opposite each other. Dean stared at the food in astonishment. What on earth had Castiel been up to while they were gone? Sam and Dean exchanged confused glances.  
“Hey uh, Cass, what’s in that bowl?”  
“That is the salad Dean, is it not right?”  
“Salads don’t usually have raw potatoes and parsnips in. You have to cook those first.” Castiel blushed.  
“I see, so you cook the vegetables, and then slice them?”  
“You usually have cold vegetables, like tomatoes and cucumber, in a salad.”  
“Thank you, Dean, I shall remember that for the next time. How do you find the burger?” Neither of the boys had taken a bite of the unusually square burger in front of them, practically swimming in mayonnaise. Sam stifled a laugh. He knew Castiel had tried his best, but it was a strange sight to behold.  
“Castiel? How did you cook the meat?” Sam asked tentatively.  
“Ah, I’m glad you asked Sam. I cooked it in the microwave, just like you cook things.” Dean let out a soft chuckle.  
“Oh Cass, we can’t eat this. Come on, we’ll start again.” Castiel felt defeated. He had tried his hardest and his food wasn’t even edible. He couldn’t believe he had let the boys down.  
“Let me show you, Cass, I’ll teach you. We can cook together.” Dean smiled. The angel’s eyes lit up.  
“You’ll show me how to use the dials on the oven too?”  
“Of course I will, anything you’d like to know.”  
  
They made their way to the kitchen, apprehension visible on Castiel’s face. What if he made the same mistakes again? What would Dean think of him? Dean turned to see Castiel dead in his tracks, lost in thought.  
“Cass? You okay?” Castiel met his gaze, before quickly looking at the floor.  
“I have failed you, Dean. I tried to cook, and instead, I make something completely inedible.” he sighed. “If you wish me to leave, I will do so.”  
“Don’t be silly Cass, you have no experience with this stuff, you’ll get there. We’ll do it side by side, I’ll make Sam’s, and you can copy what I do and make mine. Is that okay with you?”  
“You trust me enough to do that?”  
“Of course! Worst comes to worst, we try again. You have nothing to worry about Cass.” Dean set to work cleaning the surfaces and preparing the ingredients and equipment. Castiel moved to stand beside Dean, still anxious about messing up.  
“To start with, we want to take some of the mincemeat and season it. I like to add a little salt, some pepper, and a pinch of smoked paprika. Then you have to massage it into the meat like this.” Dean demonstrated, making sure the seasoning evenly coated the meat.  
“Do you think you can do that?” Castiel nodded. He could do this. He copied Dean’s moves exactly, earning a smile, and a “Great job, Cass” that filled him with joy.  
“What we need now is to whisk this egg, and add half to the meat. You can whisk it, you’ll do perfectly.” Dean said, passing Castiel the whisk.  
“I must confess, I have never whisked something before,” Castiel felt awkward, how could he not know how to do this? “Perhaps… perhaps you could show me?” He looked up to see Dean still smiling, not phased by Castiel’s lack of knowledge.  
“Is it okay for me to put my hand on yours?” when Castiel was anxious, touch sometimes frightened him. Dean wanted this experience to be as positive as it could be for him.  
“That should be okay, thank you.” Castiel felt the air shift around him, as Dean placed himself behind Castiel, and resting his hand on top of Castiel’s.  
“Hey, it’s okay. Your hand is really tense, you don’t need to hold the whisk so hard. You can relax.”  
“Of course, I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t apologise, you have no reason to. To whisk, you just need to move your hand in a circular motion, fairly quickly. We’ll start slow so you can get used to it.” Dean began to move his hand, guiding Castiel’s, working up to a slow whisk. He felt Castiel start to relax, which meant he was gaining confidence.  
“We’re going to go a little faster, and then it’s up to you, okay?” They began to whisk a little faster, with Dean slowly moving his hand away, until Castiel was doing it alone. Not realising that Dean wasn’t guiding him any more he whisked faster, having whisked the egg to perfection.  
“I told you you could do it! Now we just need to add half to the bowl of meat and mix it in. Then we can shape it and cook it.”  
“Shape it?”  
“Yeah, that’s how we get it into the round burger shape.” Castiel’s cheeks flushed a soft pink.  
“I thought it already came in the round shapes, and I bought the wrong pack. Round mincemeat isn’t something I can buy?” Dean chuckled lightly, trust the angel to get confused on that.  
“No Cass, it all comes in a rectangular pack and you have to shape it the way you want it. It’s an easy mistake to make, especially since you aren’t used to food and cooking.” Castiel slowly poured half the egg into each of their bowls and began to mix the egg into the beef, just as they had done when adding seasoning. He felt a smile tug at his lips, he was cooking with Dean and he was doing it right. Dean watched as Castiel struggled to shape the mixture into a circle, it was adorable really.  
“Please could you help? I can’t get it right.” Castiel asked shyly. Dean washed his hands, removing the burger mix, before returning to his position behind him, putting his hands in their former position.  
“You need to roll it into a ball first,” Dean said, helping Castiel with the motion.  
“And once that’s done, you push it between your palms, flattening it.” Castiel did so, leaving a flawless patty in his palm.  
“Like that?” he asked.  
“Exactly like that, it’s perfect.” Dean finished making Sam’s burger and then prepared to fry them. He set both patties in a separate pan that had been lightly oiled.  
“To fry these, you just need to turn the dial that corresponds to the ring you’re using. They turn clockwise, and you just turn them onto the heat you want. For these, we want to fry them on medium heat, so we’re going to turn the dial halfway.” Castiel did so, enchanted by the way one could control the intensity of the flame. Human inventions were fascinating.  
“Now we just have to let them cook, turning them every few minutes. It’s quite straightforward.” The two spent the next few minutes in silence, Dean flipping Sam’s burger every few minutes, and Castiel copying. His worry had been replaced with a new feeling, one that he didn’t quite understand. It had started happening more recently, like when Dean praised him or sent a smile his way. It felt like his stomach was blushing. They’d never had a moment like this before, and it made Castiel almost glad he didn’t know how to cook. Unbeknownst to him, Dean felt a similar feeling. He, however, was sure of his feelings. He knew he loved Castiel, heaven’s most adorable angel had captivated his heart. He hadn’t told Castiel, he wasn’t ready for new feelings yet. He was still adjusting to life on Earth and living with the Winchester’s, Dean couldn’t get in the way of that, it wouldn’t be fair.  
  
When the burgers were almost done, Dean washed the vegetables ready to make the salad.  
“You’re going to make the salad now Cass, and I’ll talk you through it, so there’s nothing to worry about. First, you want to start with the mixed leaves - they’re the base. Just put them in the bowl, they’re easy. Next, you’re going to want to take the cucumber and cut off the end, that part isn’t great to eat. Then you slice it and put that on top of the leaves. With the tomato, you can either cut it into segments or slices, as you did with the cucumber. Peppers are a little trickier. You need to take off the top and scoop out all the seeds and the core. We only eat the outside part, which you cut into strips.” The whole time, Castiel followed Dean’s words, slightly distracted by the man. His voice was so soothing, and his presence so comforting.  
“You’re almost done now. With the vegetables that you’ve already prepared, you can add some grated carrot and leftover sweetcorn and put it all in the bowl. Be careful grating the carrot, I don’t want you to catch your fingers and hurt yourself.” Castiel felt the feeling again with that statement. It was really nice to that Dean cared about him, it made him feel a good kind of weird. He put everything in the bowl, mixed it together, and added the salad dressing that Dean passed him.  
“Now we just need to put the burgers in the bun, so do exactly as you did before, just add less mayonnaise. Then we’re all set and ready to eat.” Castiel plated up, proud of this much better attempt. He could kind of understand why Dean loved food, this looked beautiful. A true labour of love. Dean and Castiel made their way to the table with the food, ready to eat at last.  
“Watch out Sam, this burger will send you to Heaven. Cass had done an amazing job with it and cooked everything by himself. Hasn’t he done so good?”  
“I didn’t cook all this Dean, I cannot take credit for --”  
“He’s a natural Sammy, before long we’ll have our very own chef.” Dean interrupted Castiel. After a few mouthfuls, Sam finally managed a sentence.  
“This is delicious Cass! You made this?”  
“Well, actually I --”  
“I told you it was good!” Dean interrupted again. Castiel had worked really hard, he deserved to feel proud of himself for this meal. The boys ate in silence, savouring every mouthful. Dean wasn’t kidding, this man could really cook. It was the best burger he’d ever had. How did Cass beat him at his own recipe?  
  
It was getting late, and Castiel was sure Sam and Dean would want to sleep. He collected the plates they had used and took them to the kitchen, to begin washing up. He had almost finished, when Dean spoke, make Castiel jump.  
“Cass, can we talk?” His heart sunk. Did he do bad again? Was Dean upset with him? He really had tried his best, he did everything Dean said to do. Was he too slow a learner?  
“Is… is everything okay? I’m really sorry I messed up.”  
“Everything is great. More than great. Is it okay to touch you?” Castiel hesitated before nodding. He trusted Dean. Dean held the angel’s hands, softly rubbing his thumbs over the backs.

“I’m proud of you Castiel. You did wonderful tonight. I know you were upset and embarrassed, but its all a learning curve. You really can cook, you just need to be taught how. I’m so unbelievably proud of you.” Castiel shifted nervously, the use of his full name giving him butterflies. Dean was proud of him?

  
“I don’t know what to say, you’ve been so kind to me. Thank you for taking the time out to teach me, I am very grateful for it. Please could you teach me more? Another day perhaps?”

“I’d love to Cass. I can show you how to make bread tomorrow, I think you’d enjoy it. I can teach you anything and everything you’d like to know, anytime.” Dean was exhausted after such a long day, but it was worth it. _He_ was worth it.


	2. I've Got You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel struggles with guilt following the events of the evening. A panic attack ensues, along with flashbacks from his past. Dean comes to his aid and learns more than he bargains for. It's heavier than the last chapter and introduces Castiel's backstory. It ends on a fluffy note though, everything will work out eventually (:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a small chapter I thought of! I wanted to dive into Castiel's back story a little and begin to talk about why he's so anxious! Definite trigger warning for a panic attack, so please don't read if that will upset you, along with a brief mention of torture. I really hope you enjoy this chapter regardless! The next chapter will hopefully be more uplifting(:

Castiel was lying in bed, eyes fixed on the ceiling. Though he didn’t need to sleep as Sam and Dean did, he enjoyed being able to relax and reflect upon the day. Well, he usually enjoyed it. Tonight his thoughts were racing, the events of the evening wreaking havoc on his mind. 

_“Hey uh, Cass, what’s in that bowl?”_

_“Salads don’t usually have raw potatoes and parsnips in.”_

_“Oh Cass, we can’t eat this. Come on, we’ll start again.”_

_“Let me show you, Cass, I’ll teach you.”_

He was embarrassed to have messed up so bad. His food was nowhere near edible, how could he have served that? What must they think of him? Castiel dreaded the thought of facing the boys in the morning. He could have given them food poisoning or made them sick. How could he face them? Dean had said he was proud of him. Was that a lie? Just something to soften the blow? How can you be proud of someone like Castiel? Sure he was an angel, but what use is that when you can’t even cook for your friends? That’s what human friends do, they cook for each other. At least from what Castiel has seen. 

He was supposed to bake bread tomorrow with Dean. He felt a familiar tightness grip his chest. He had to tell Dean he couldn’t do it. He was only going to let Dean down again, and make a mess of things. If he did that, Dean wouldn’t want him anymore, he’d have to go. He really liked Dean, and he didn’t want to make a fool of himself. He couldn’t. Castiel felt his hands go clammy, and the tightness of his chest increasing. For the second time that night, he could feel panic rising. He didn’t know what to do, he never knew what to do. Before long, he would be hyperventilating and he wouldn’t be able to stop it.

_Dean._

He couldn’t go to Dean, the very thought made him uneasy. It would just make everything worse. Dean didn’t know he had panic attacks, and he couldn’t let him find out. He was an angel, they were supposed to be perfect, not flawed like this. He was supposed to be happy, free from pain. He couldn’t bother Dean with this. Castiel’s hands were starting to go numb. He was terrified. He wasn’t ready for the panic to take over.

Castiel got out of bed and sat on the floor, back pressed hard against the wall. He was struggling to breathe, he wasn’t getting enough air. 

_No air._

_“Come on Castiel, you know what happens when you do this.”_

_Dean._

_World crumbling._

_“You’ll never be good enough.”_

_He was broken._

_Dean._

_“Please don’t hurt me.”_

_“I’ll hurt you until you learn not to fuck up everything you touch."_

_He needed Dean._

He felt so sick, he thought he was going to die. Why didn’t he get Dean? He could help. Why was he so weak? Castiel began to cry, the sensations too much to handle. He was powerless. Everything went black. 

Castiel didn't hear Dean calling his name. He didn't see Dean break down the door to get to him. He didn't feel Dean pick him up and press him to his chest. He didn't hear Dean quietly say "You're safe now, I love you." 

Castiel woke to a gentle rocking. He was curled in Dean's lap, head tucked into his shoulder, rocking. This had to be a dream, Dean couldn't be here with him, could he? 

"Cass? Are you okay? What happened?" Dean looked concerned, Castiel had never seen him as worried as this.

"Tired… chest hurts." The room was spinning less now, he thought he could feel hands running through his hair. Whatever it was, it was soothing.

“Why didn’t you come and get me?”

“I didn’t want to bother you. I could handle it.”

“Castiel, you passed out, that’s not exactly handling it. I could have helped you, you’re never a bother.” Dean’s voice was gentle, didn’t Cass know that he’d die for him?

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Castiel hesitated, he was anxious about opening up. He was already self-conscious about Dean being here in the first place.

“I… I have panic attacks and they happen a lot. I uh, I was thinking and then it happened.” He couldn’t look at Dean, he didn’t want to see the disappointment on his face. It started to make sense to Dean. The way Castiel would disappear sometimes for hours without warning, the puffy eyes, frequent exhaustion. He knew his anxiety was bad, but he didn’t realise it was this bad. 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I can help you through them. I’m going to tell you a secret okay? So you know I’m safe to talk to.” Castiel gave a small nod, his stomach making that familiar blush to be trusted with a secret. 

“I used to have panic attacks too, I had them a few times a week when I was younger. I had therapy to help with it all, I never told anyone, in case they thought I was weak. You can trust me, I promise.” Castiel was rendered speechless. Dean used to be like him? Dean was always so happy and confident that it was hard to believe.

“I was thinking about tonight. I messed up. And because I messed up, I could have made you sick, and then you wouldn’t want me anymore and then I’d have to go and --”

“No Castiel, I’ll always want you. I’d never let you leave over some food. You did your best, you didn’t know how things worked. Nothing that happened was your fault. I’m so proud of you! When we cooked together, you were a natural, I mean that. You just need guidance and reassurance, and I’ll always be here to give that to you.” Castiel was still anxious. He knew something bad was still going to happen, it always did.

“You aren’t going to hurt me, are you? When... when I did bad at the home they’d torture me and they’d make me do it over and over and over till I got it perfect. Please don’t hurt me. I promise I didn’t mean to, I won’t do it again.” This angel was going to be the death of Dean. How could anyone hurt such a sweet thing? He pulled Cass closer to him, holding him tight. 

“No baby, no. I could never hurt you. You’re safe with me. No one will ever hurt you again. I’ll always keep you safe. You’re my Castiel, okay? I’ve got you. Do you want to talk about the home now? We can save it for tomorrow if that’s better for you?” Dean ignored the fact that the pet name slipped out, that didn’t matter, only Castiel did. He was sure he hadn’t picked up on it anyway (the angel had, but was confused and would google it tomorrow, he was sure he wasn’t a baby).

“It was Madame Naomi’s Home for Delinquent Angels, I was there for a long time. When you’re a child, you are assigned to guardians to help you as you grow, but they weren’t satisfied with me, I was a mistake to them. They sent me when I was five, and I didn’t escape until I was seventeen. They threw me out, I was just a lost cause by then.” By the end, Castiel was sobbing, it was heart-wrenching. Dean couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Castiel was so perfect, who could give up on him like that?

“You were a child, they didn’t even give you a chance? Nothing is your fault, Cass, no matter what anyone says. You aren’t a lost cause, don’t you ever believe that. You’re wonderful Castiel. You’ll never be punished for making a mistake. That’s normal, you can’t get everything perfect at a first try."

“Can we still make bread? And it’s okay if I get it wrong?” 

“We can definitely make bread, and you can get it wrong as many times as you like, we can just start over. It’s all okay.” Castiel breathed a sigh of relief, but he still felt troubled. 

“Can we… can we talk about the home too?” It was barely a whisper, he was afraid to ask Dean, in case he pushed him away.

“If that’s what you need, that’s what we’ll do. I’ll do anything to help you. I mean that.” How could he say no? Castiel needed to heal, but he couldn’t let him do it alone.

“Dean? Can you sleep in here? Please?”

“Only if I can hold you while I do.”

And that's how they spent the night. Dean asleep on Castiel's bed, holding him as close as possible, afraid to let the angel go. Castiel got as close to sleep as angels can, encompassed in Dean's warmth. He thought he understood the feeling now, it was what the humans called love. For the first time in his existence, he felt loved.


	3. Heart-Shaped Loaf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean teaches Castiel how to bake bread, and Castiel opens up about those strange feelings he gets when Dean is around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long!! I really struggled with this chapter and finding the motivation. I've been snowed under with uni work and stress, and it was affecting me a fair bit. Anyway, the chapter is here, and work has already started on chapter four, which I'll try to get to you as soon as possible!! I hope you enjoy it(:

For what felt like the first time in forever, Castiel had a morning free from anxiety. He felt calm and at peace, despite everything. Usually, he'd be exhausted and struggling to start his day after such a draining panic attack. Something was freeing about opening up to Dean; it felt good to have some of his trauma out in the open. He was also slightly relieved to learn that Dean understood him, and they were more similar than he initially thought. Castiel hoped this would be the catalyst for recovery. He wanted to get better. He hated the way he was. He was tired of never feeling good enough, and it was about time he started to show himself some love. He hoped Dean would help him; he'd made his mind up while Dean was sleeping. He was going to ask Dean to help him get better, and he wanted to learn about love. Love was a powerful thing, and it seemed to solve everything. Nothing could ever come between Sam and Dean, because of the love they had for each other. Castiel wanted to experience the same feeling, He wanted to love and be loved, and he was going to ask Dean to teach him. 

Dean woke to the smell of coffee and empty arms. 

"Good morning Dean, I've brought you coffee. I think I made it how you like it." Castiel said with a smile. Dean mumbled thanks and sat up to take the coffee, while Castiel sat beside him.

"How did you sleep?"

"I--" Looking back on it, Dean hadn't slept that well slept in months. The nightmares didn't plague him, and he'd slept a full night.

"I slept great, best in a long time. Thank you for the coffee Cass, it's perfect." _Just like you,_ he added mentally.

"How are you feeling Cass? After last night I mean, it must have completely drained you. Do you need me to get you anything?"

"I'm okay, and I don't think I've ever felt better. I'm happy you were there, I'm glad you know now, even if it didn't come out the way I had planned." Castiel's palms began to moisten, and his heart started to beat faster. He could ask Dean. He'd be okay with it, and he promised he'd be safe.

"Dean? There's uh, something I wanted to discuss if that's okay with you. Maybe while we bake?"

"Of course Castiel, anything you need. When did you want to bake?" Castiel flushed a soft pink. Would it be too much if they baked now?

"Can we bake now, please? If that's not an inconvenience at all?" Dean's face lit up, and he couldn't help but smile. If they started now then they'd be able to bake all day, they had nothing else to do. His mind was racing with all the possibilities - what would he bake for Castiel? It had to be perfect. His angel deserved the world. Focaccia? Sourdough? Brioche? Then it struck him. He knew just what to bake.

"Are you kidding? I'd love to. Race you down!"

Dean reached the kitchen shortly after Cass, letting him win so that he could see that goofy grin he'd come to adore. Castiel was already fumbling with an apron, struggling to tie it. Each time he thought he had it, it would slip undone. Dean stood and watched for a few moments, the childlike innocence of Castiel filling his heart with joy. How did he ever get so lucky as to meet an angel? An actual real-life angel? His thoughts were broken by a pouting Castiel, needing his help.

"Dean, this apron is malfunctioning."

"It can't malfunction Cass. It's an apron."

"But it ceases to work as one. Why is it broken?" Dean couldn't help but laugh. God _really_ had sent him heaven's most adorable angel. He had thought that very thought many times, and this time certainly wouldn't be the last. Castiel was the definition of adorable. He had also taken off his trench coat and pushed his sleeves up as far as they would go, leading to a rather comical sight. His eyes wide and blue, making his best interpretation of 'puppy eyes', and he was still struggling with his apron.

"Dean this isn't funny, why won't it function like it's supposed to?"

"Come here, and I'll tie it for you." Castiel sighed and allowed Dean to tie up his apron, slightly jealous at how quick and how perfect he had managed to do so. Dean then moved onto fixing Castiel's shirt sleeves. He couldn't bake with them looking like that. Castiel didn't say a word as Dean pulled each shirt sleeve down and rolled them, so they sat neatly above the elbow. 

"Thank you, Dean, I must admit I struggled with those."

"You're welcome. I thought today we could start with something relatively simple, and make some bread rolls. Is that okay with you?"

"That would be more than okay." Castiel smiled and watched as Dean bustled about the kitchen, collecting ingredients and equipment as he went. Dean always looked so peaceful in a kitchen, so at ease. The way he moved around was so graceful and natural, he was a beautiful sight. Castiel couldn't help but picture this occurring often, Dean teaching him how to cook, and bake, and talking about his favourite foods. He wanted to learn everything about Dean, and about everything he loved. He wanted to learn about cars so he could help take care of Baby, and about his favourite music so he could play it for Dean. He wanted to learn about his hopes, dreams, desires, fears. Castiel wanted to _know_ Dean. He felt the strange butterflies again, the odd fluttering sensation confusing him. Why did it happen when he thought of Dean? Maybe he'd get Dean to teach him about the weird feelings and explain what they meant. He'd had them before, around a few other men, but Dean gave them to Castiel frequently.

Returning to reality, Castiel realised Dean had everything laid out, an apron on, and was waiting for him. 

"You good? You disappeared for a sec there Cass."

"I'm okay, was just lost in thought. What's the first step?" Dean smiled. He loved the way Castiel got so distracted, with his head in the clouds. He always did love the dreamer type. Dean took Castiel through the steps, first weighing out all the ingredients and then mixing the flour, salt and some yeast. They laughed when Castiel stirred a bit too vigorously and ended up with the flour mix all over his face. They made a well, with Castiel sweetly asking why bread required the use of a well when those were used for gathering water. Dean found it cute that he didn't realise that this was a well made out of the mix (not bricks) for the wet ingredients to be put in. They then mixed, creating a beautiful dough mix, which Dean was sure would make the best loaf he'd ever had. Castiel enjoyed the kneading part. It was a simple, repetitive action that soothed his anxiety, a soft smile on his face. The bread began to feel satin smooth after ten minutes, making it an even better feeling. The dough was soft and pliable, and it was twice as calming as before. Soft things always helped Castiel feel better, and he couldn't help but wonder if Dean's hair was as fluffy as it looked. After kneading, Dean placed the dough into an oiled bowl ready to leave to prove in their proving draw.

"We have a while now before we need to bake the bread, do you want to go clean up while I tidy in here?" Dean asked Castiel, hoping he would say yes. Cass nodded and left the kitchen, leaving Dean alone to enact his plan. He sent a quick text to Sam, to help make sure Castiel wouldn't see the surprise until it was ready.

_Jerk: pls keep cass distracted, im baking a surprise for him_

_Bitch: A surprise? Why?_

_Jerk: he could use cheering up, hes not himself today, i want to do smth nice for him_

_Bitch: Why don't you ever bake me a surprise? It feels unfair. :(_

_Jerk: bc you can bake your own bread, thats why_

_Bitch: Is it because he's your crush? You aren't subtle, you know. ;)_

_Jerk: shut up sam, hes not my crush. will you do it or not_

_Bitch: Yes, I'll do it._

_Bitch: He's your crush, though. ;)_

_Jerk: whatever_

He clicked his phone off and got to work baking. He knew Sam was right, and he just didn't want to admit it to him yet. Dean definitely had a crush on Castiel, but he couldn't face Sam's relentless teasing. It was never malicious, but it was always embarrassing. He was working on a small mozzarella and sun-dried tomato loaf, it was one of his favourite combinations. He knew Cass would appreciate it, even if he didn't eat it. Though the dough was a little orange in colour already, Dean added some red food dye that wouldn't affect the flavour, and he wanted this to be perfect. He put it in to prove just as Castiel rushed back into the kitchen. Just in time.

"I'm sorry Dean, Sam told me about this book he was reading, and it was fascinating, I had to stay and talk."

"That's alright Cass, I only just finished cleaning. I knocked some flour over, so it took a little longer." Dean felt terrible for lying, but it was for a good cause.

"We have enough time before the bread needs baking if you still wanted to talk?" Dean said, taking a seat on one of the bar stools. Castiel wanted to talk about his feelings and to get Dean to explain, but he felt his heart drop. He told Dean he wanted to talk about the Home last night. He didn't want to do that anymore. If he spoke about it, he knew he'd cry and ruin a perfectly good day, and he didn't want to think about the Home. But he couldn't go back on Dean, could he? He told Dean he'd talk about it.

"Idon'twanttotalkaboutthehome." Castiel blurted.

"We don't have to Castiel. We can talk about anything you want to. I'm here whenever you're ready."

"Can we… talk about feelings instead?" Castiel blushed, he felt a little shy at the thought of talking about the butterflies.

"Feelings? What kind of feelings?" Dean looked at Castiel, noting how nervous he seemed.

"I get these strange feelings sometimes, and I don't know what they mean. I get butterflies but in my stomach. And… and my cheeks warm up lots. Sometimes it feels like my heart skips a beat. It happens lots Dean, what is it?" It couldn't be what Dean thought, or could it? Had Castiel fallen for someone they'd met while on the road? 

"When do you get those feelings, Cass? Does it happen at certain times or anything?" 

"I only used to have it sometimes, when a nice guy smiled at me. Now it happens all the time; when you talk to me, when you bake with me, when you talk about Baby, or when you smile at me. It happens when you're around, Dean." Dean was speechless. Did he really give Castiel butterflies? There was a chance Castiel would like him back? What had Dean done to deserve something as perfect as this?

"Those feelings usually happen when you really like someone. If you really _really_ like someone, you might even love them. Do you only get them around guys?" Dean was blushing now.

"This is what love feels like? It feels… odd. But nice. It's an odd nice. I like it. I've never had it around women, is that normal?" Oh, heaven's above. Dean's sweet angel might be gay, and Dean might have a chance with him after all. He didn't want to assume Castiel's sexuality and had no idea if Cass even liked guys. This felt like an early birthday present.

"It's perfectly normal Cass. It just means you might be gay. That's what it's called when you like the same gender as yourself."

"Like Charlie? Is she gay?" Castiel thought of Charlie and all the posters of women she had adorning her room, and how she blushed when another woman complimented her.

"Yeah, like that!"

"Who do you like, Dean? You seem to like the company of women a lot." _You._ Dean answered silently. He wasn't brave enough to say it out loud.

"I like men and women Cass. I'm bisexual. I've just never had much of a chance to be with another man."

"Oh, I see. I'm gay, and you're bisexual, and these feelings are normal?"

"Completely normal, you have nothing to worry about." Castiel looked at the floor. He really did like Dean, but he felt embarrassed for not knowing anything about feelings. They weren't allowed them at the Home - angels were supposed to be emotionless. They were expected to feel nothing, but Castiel? He felt _everything_ . He felt joy, fear, sadness, anger, frustration, and now he felt love. This wasn't normal at all, he wasn't supposed to be capable of feeling something as powerful as _love_ . Even so, it felt so _right._ Everything felt right with Dean, it always did.

"Castiel? Can you show me the book you've been reading? The one about bees? I'd love for you to tell me about it." Dean could sense Castiel's anxiety, and knew that the best thing would be to distract him from it all. 

They spent their evening curled up on a sofa, with Castiel's head on Dean's shoulder. Castiel was in his element, he was smiling, reading out passages and generally gushing over the book. He seemed better, and that was a relief to Dean. He always got so worried about Castiel, everyone's anxiety is so different, and he was still learning how to help Cass manage his. Dean only got up twice, once to take out the bread rolls and sneak in his own heart-shaped loaf, and the other to get a blanket. 

Sam sat opposite, seemingly lost in a book of his own. He wasn't though, he was gazing at Dean and Castiel. They were already so domestic, and it was the sweetest sight. Sam was glad to see Dean so calm, and at peace, it was a rare sight. Dean was always at war with himself, and it showed. While Sam had turned out relatively normal, Dean had become the 'troubled' one. He loved their job, he loved saving people, hunting things, but when a job went wrong, he sunk into a deep depression. He still couldn't accept that he wouldn't always be able to save everyone. Sam hoped that Castiel would be able to help with that and that they'd be able to help each other. Sam really loved Dean and Castiel together, he just hoped they would make it official sooner rather than later. He was dying to call them by the ship name he'd created, _Destiel_.

An hour passed, and the surprise was loaf was ready. Dean excited, but also incredibly nervous about giving it to Castiel. What if he didn't like it after all? Taking it out the oven, a soft gasp left his mouth. It was perfect. Castiel had gone up to his bedroom to read, so Dean carefully plated the bread before bringing it over to his room, Sam mouthing _good luck_ as he passed. Steadying his nerves, Dean knocked on Castiel's door.

"Hey, Cass, I uh, I made you something."

"You can come in, Dean, I know it's you." Dean could practically hear the smile on his face. Dean entered and sat on the end of Castiel's bed. The angel was sat against the wall, his knees tucked into his chest as he read. 

"That smells amazing!" Castiel dropped his book and practically leapt to sit beside Dean.

"What did you bake, Dean?" Dean felt his face burn, flushing scarlet.

"I uh, I baked you a heart, Castiel. It's um, its a mozzarella, tomato and rosemary loaf. It's my favourite recipe, and I thought you'd like it." Castiel giggled.

"That's not a heart, Dean. Hearts don't look like that." he was puzzled, he'd never seen a heart like that.

"It's a different kind of heart, Cass, it's a romantic one. It's used as a symbol of love."

"You baked the symbol for love?" Castiel felt those butterflies again, and he could feel his blush travel to the very tips of his toes.

"Yes, I baked it for you." Dean couldn't help but look at the floor, he was worried this was all a big mistake.

"You baked me love?"

"Yes, Castiel." Dean was anxious and afraid, he couldn't do this.

"You… love me?" _Here goes nothing_ , Dean thought.

"I do. I love you, Castiel."

"I... I love you too, Dean."

  
  
  


**_*Later that night*_ **

"You said you loved me?" Castiel asked as he held Dean's hand, having convinced him to stay.

"I do Cass, very much so." This had to be what heaven was. Dean loved Castiel, and Castiel loved him back. They were both in Castiel's bed, and Dean never wanted to let him go.

"If you love me, then can you teach me to love myself? I want to love myself."


	4. Try To Love Me And I'll Try To Save You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean returns from a bad hunt and has his own demons to contend with. Castiel soothes Dean, the comforted becoming the comforter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! I'm so happy to give you chapter four! Thank you all so much for sticking with this fic, and for going on this journey with me(: 
> 
> My uni work is all done, so I now have loads of time to spend on this fic, I have a separate oneshot being written that I hope to upload in the next few days, and I have some ideas for other longer fics! These will mainly be Destiel, because that something I've found I really enjoy writing.
> 
> This chapter was inspired by the Twenty One Pilots song 'Lovely' which was the inspiration the title, and is the song that Castiel sings.  
> As always, I hope you enjoy the chapter!!

It was a week after Dean had confessed his love for Castiel, and they were even closer than before, though not yet 'official'. There were more soft whispers, gentle hand-holding, and lots of blushing. They were both so happy and were practically inseparable, with Dean even leaving his mancave to sleep with Castiel every night, anything to keep his angel at ease. 

Castiel was alone in the bunker, attempting to use Dean's Netflix. He had been shown how to use it, but hey, he's only just gotten used to using a phone. He couldn't quite understand how to get the show he wanted, but he managed it eventually. Castiel had planned a peaceful afternoon with Bob Ross, his show brought a lot of calm to him, and he liked the way Bob spoke. He was deliberately calm and light, and Castiel liked that. Sam was out of town, he had travelled back to Stanford to hear a talk given by one of his favourite lecturers. Sam was so excited to go, he'd missed Stanford, and he wouldn't have missed this talk for the world. Dean was on a hunt and had left around midday. Some demons had taken some hostages, though he wasn't sure why, so he had gone to kill the demons and to rescue the innocents. He had assured Castiel that it would be an easy hunt and that he'd be back in no time at all, Dean had done hunts like these before and they were never too difficult. 

It was now eleven, and Castiel was getting worried. Surely Dean should be back by now? He had finished all the Bob Ross episodes on Netflix, and Dean was nowhere to be seen, where was he? Castiel's mind began to race.  _ What if Dean was hurt? What if something terrible had happened and what if it was all his fault? _ Castiel let out a heavy sigh. He knew he should have discouraged Dean, it was an impossible task. There was no way the demons would let their hostages go so smoothly. Why hadn't he told Dean to stay? Why hadn't Dean let him go too? Castiel could have helped, Dean would be in his arms by now, and they'd be falling asleep to some dumb rom-com. But Dean wasn't here. Dean could be anywhere, and Castiel felt hopeless and afraid.

It was early morning when Dean stumbled in, only standing for a moment before collapsing. He was bruised, bloodied… and broken. He looked broken. Castiel felt his heart shatter as he sunk to his knees beside Dean. This couldn't be happening.  _ This could not be happening. _

"Dean? Dean, can you hear me?" Castiel could feel panic begin to bubble in the pit of his stomach. Dean was a mess. He left eye was swollen shut, his lip was bleeding, and he was sure his nose was broken. From what Cass could see, Dean's visible skin was littered with cuts and scrapes. This was all his fault, he shouldn't have let Dean go alone.

"Cass… trap… too many." Dean managed to choke out, barely audible. Castiel adjusted so he was sat on the floor and pulled Dean's head onto his lap. He began to stroke Dean's hair like he so often did when Cass had a panic attack.

"You're safe now, Dean, I've got you," Castiel whispered, "They can't hurt you anymore. Nothing can hurt you." Dean's breathing was unsteady, he wasn't getting enough air. 

"It hurts Cass, help me, please." Castiel had never seen Dean in so much pain, not just physically, but mentally. He could see unshed tears and the battle in his mind. Dean was torturing himself, and it hurt Castiel's soul.

"What hurts Dean? Can you show me?" Castiel was anxious, he was afraid he knew what was wrong. If he was right, that terrified him more. Dean lifted his arm and held his chest, clutching at it with a shaking hand.

"Can't breathe, what's happening?" Dean looked petrified, he'd never experienced anything like his before.

"You're having a panic attack, Dean. Everything is okay. You're safe, Dean. I promise you. Do you think you could sit in my lap if I helped you? I can help calm you, you're going to be okay." Dean nodded and Castiel carefully manoeuvred Dean, so he was sat in his lap. He began to rock Dean, hoping the soothing action would bring him comfort.

"Are you still with me, Dean?" A light nod gave Castiel his answer.

"I'm going to start counting breaths, Dean. You need to try to follow them okay? It'll help you breathe and feel a little calmer. Do you trust me, Dean?" 

"I do... I trust you." Dean's voice was shaky and small, and it took all of Castiel's strength to keep it together. He could do this for Dean, he had to.

"Thank you, Dean. You can do this, I'm right here with you. Breathe in, 2, 3, 4. Breathe out, 2, 3, 4. Breathe in, 2, 3, 4. Breathe out, 2, 3, 4." Castiel kept counting until he felt Dean start to calm, and heard his shallow breaths evening out. 

"You're doing so well baby, I'm so proud of you. Can you keep breathing for me? So I know you're okay?" Dean didn't respond, but he kept breathing on his own, maintaining a steady rhythm. After a few minutes, Dean seemed as though he'd be capable of sentences and able to stay calm.

"Can you talk to me, Dean? Do you think you'd be able to tell me what happened?"

"Please keep holding me Castiel, please don't let go. I need you here." Dean's voice was faint, but he was talking, and that was better than nothing.

"I'm here, Dean-O, I'm not going anywhere. I promise we'll stay just like this, you have nothing to worry about. You're safe." Dean smiled at the nickname, he found it oddly reassuring.

"It was a trap. There were seven hostages and around twenty-five or so demons. I couldn't take them all on, it was impossible, I couldn't kill them all, I couldn't save them Castiel. I couldn't save any of them." Dean began to sob silently, the pain becoming too much to keep inside. "They were families Cass. Two families. The first one was a young couple and a baby, a fucking baby. Barely a few weeks old. The other family? A lesbian couple, they had two kids. A five-year-old and a nine-year-old. They hadn't long adopted them. I killed them Castiel, I killed them all. I was supposed to save them. 'Saving people, hunting things, the family business'. I had to watch as they died, and it was my fault. The demons were never going to let them go, it was me they wanted, but I should have tried harder to save them..." Castiel couldn't listen anymore, he couldn't stand hearing Dean talk so bad about himself. Dean was perfect, and he always tried to save everyone, even if that meant putting himself at risk.

"Dean, what happened was not your fault. You didn't know it was a trap, and you didn't know you would be overwhelmed. You did your best, you did everything you could. Dean, you said it yourself, the demons were never going to let them go. They did this to get to you, you were never going to save them, and that's okay, Dean. You can't save everyone." With that, Dean started crying harder. A bad hunt always got him down, but this one was the worst he'd had in months. 

"It's my fault, it's always my fault. I didn't save Mom, or Jess, or Ellen and Jo, or Bobby, or Kevin. I'm useless Castiel, I can't do this anymore. I never save anyone." Dean managed between broken sobs. Castiel held him closer and began to sing softly.

" _ You say things with your mouth _

_ Cobwebs and flies come out _

_ I hear a second voice behind your tongue somehow _

_ Luckily I can read your mind _

_ Flies and cobwebs unwind _

_ They will not take you down _

_ They will not cast you out."  _ Dean closed his eyes, and though he was still crying, he was beginning to relax into Cass' arms. Castiel saw this as a sign to continue.

" _ Dear friend, here we are again pretending _

_ To understand how you think your world is ending _

_ Sending signals and red flags in waves _

_ It's hard to tell the difference between blood and water these days _

_ I'll pray that one day you see _

_ The only difference between life and dying _

_ Is one is trying, that's all we're called to do _

_ So try to love me and I'll try to save you _

_ Won't you stay alive? _

_ I'll take you on a ride _

_ I will make you believe you are lovely _

_ Won't you stay alive? _

_ I'll take you on a ride _

_ I will make you believe you are lovely _

_ Your redemption won't grow stale _

_ We are now just setting sail _

_ On the seas of what we fear _

_ Treason now is growing near to me _

_ I'm coming clean _

_ God, hit me straight on _

_ God, hit me straight on, on, on _

_ Won't you stay alive? _

_ I'll take you on a ride _

_ I will make you believe you are lovely _

_ Won't you stay alive? _

_ I'll take you on a ride _

_ I will make you believe you are lovely. _ "

By the time Castiel was done, Dean was fast asleep. Castiel was relieved, God only knew he deserved the rest. Dean was always at war with himself, and he was relentless, hurting himself even though he didn't deserve any of it. Dean had such a beautiful soul, he truly was the definition of 'lovely', and Castiel couldn't lose Dean. He didn't want to watch Dean lose to himself, he couldn't. Castiel cleaned Dean up the best he could, taking care not to wake him up. It didn't look like he would need stitches, which was a source of comfort to Cass, he wasn't sure he trusted himself enough to do that.

Satisfied Dean's wounds were clean and taken care of, Castiel carried him to bed, and tucked him in. He lay beside Dean, stroking his hair and pressing him to his chest. It was likely Dean would have a nightmare tonight, but it would be okay, Castiel was here, and he would chase Dean's demons away. 

"I love you, Dean. I always will. I can't lose you, please don't let me lose you." Castiel began to weep, being careful not to wake Dean. The events of the night were catching up to him, and he was couldn't stay strong anymore. Castiel nearly lost his everything today, and he wasn't there to save him.

"I love you too, Castiel. You won't lose me, us Winchesters seem invincible." Dean smiled at his joke.

"Dean? Will you be mine? I can't face losing you like that, I need you, all of you."

"I was yours the day you gripped me tight and raised me from perdition. I'll always be yours."

Dean fell into a dreamless sleep, with Castiel's song playing through his mind.

_ So try to love me and I'll try to save you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thank you to some pretty awesome people
> 
> Thank you @Milliadoc_Brandybuck for inspiring me and for even encouraging me to write this in the first place!  
> and thank you to @ALWAYSbacktoYOU for always reading these chapters first and calming my nerves(:
> 
> I love and appreciate you both<3


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